Have you ever seen those annoying drivers who can't make up their mind on which lane they’re in? Those drivers who drive slow and take forever just to simply change up a gear when they come into the fast lane? They do 40 when they know full well it's a 50mph zone! "What on Earth are they playing at?” They are so incompetent on the road that their passenger always has to give them clear instructions on which way to turn. They're such "special" drivers that they need to have a special cone on the top of their car with the big red "L". You know who I'm talking about... Learners!

I found myself getting frustrated as I was stuck behind two learner drivers once. In fact, it was that very experience that brought me to write this article. As much as I was frustrated by these learner drivers, I was quietly reminded, by a simple thought: “that was once me!” In fact, that was once all of us! At some point, most of us will need to pass the theory of driving, then bite the bullet and just get on the road. The thing about driving is that you can’t truly learn how to drive unless you actually drive, and there are no separate lanes dedicated to the less experienced. We all have to use the same road!

Today, Men and Marriage and I share a special occasion. That’s right, it’s our birthday! And as I reflect on the last three years of Men and Marriage, and of my life so far, I am reminded

about

my journey into manhood. I am reminded of the successes and the (very many) mistakes and failures along the way. I also took a moment to remember the input of the many instructors I have had (and still have) that have been helping me navigate along this road called manhood.

As I hit this next milestone in my life I wanted to share 5 key lessons that I've learned (and still learning) in becoming the man I am today.

A man's duty is to mentor

Just like the learner driver, I found myself stuck behind, I too was under the guidance of a few instructors/mentors/men in my life, who have been helping me learn how to become a man. Some people may be under the illusion you become a man as you blow out those candles on your 16th, 18th or even 21st birthday, however, the facts would suggest that age is not what determines manhood.

Becoming a man is a learned behaviour and takes effort and multiple attempts at getting it right before you can even getting close to mastering manhood (if you can actually ever master it). I was once shown the way by men like my father, brothers, granddad, teachers and other close friends of the family. So many people have been there for me and play a part in supporting my growth from boy to man. They have been there teaching and giving me opportunities to sink or swim whilst putting these skills to the test in my attempt to become a man. They invested time, not because they were obligated to do so but because they saw it as their honourable duty to be that village that raised a child and added value to another man's life.

Think about the people that have invested time into your life! If someone once had the time to invest into me then it is my duty to pass that on to someone else. I must also take accountability for those that I chose not to invest in. The truth is that some guys have honestly never had anyone to invest time into them and they have had to make it on their own. To those guys, I would encourage even more so to be accountable for those young boys who are facing a very familiar situation to that which you were once in. Make sure that they do not have to face the same neglect and absence of the support of a positive male role model.

I wholeheartedly believe that if a man would invest his time in positively impacting his family, neighbourhood and community, then a great change would take place, presenting a solution to many of the global problems we currently face. This can only be done if we step up as men and invest time in mentoring someone.    

Find your lane

I spent a large chunk of my life trying to run in other people's lanes, always getting frustrated that I was not the best or not acknowledged as even being a front runner in that lane. (Very egotistical but hey!) The problem with not being in your own lane is that you are forever chasing someone else, playing catch up and sometimes even imitating the actions of others in an attempt to do what they do, speak like they speak and ultimately become them.When you understand your purpose and learn to (say it with you best Kevin Hart voice) "just do you", then you can truly start to run your own race. You have the space to be a front runner because no one else can do what you do, how you do it, better than you! When it comes to my relationship with my wife, I have sometimes had opinions regarding our relationship based on how others are in their relationships. I have learned that this is pointless and foolish because there really is no comparison because my wife is not the same as those that I would or could compare her to (not that I would or could. I'm just illustrating a point here!). With that in the forefront of my mind, I can never expect her to act or think more like someone else and she could not expect that of me as we are in our own lanes, and imitation of anyone or anything else takes us out of the lane we should be front runners in. I have learned to find my lane and run like Forrest Gump.

When you understand your purpose and learn to (say it with you best Kevin Hart voice) "just do you", then you can truly start to run your own race. You have the space to be a front runner because no one else can do what you do, how you do it, better than you! When it comes to my relationship with my wife, I have sometimes had opinions regarding our relationship based on how others are in their relationships. I have learned that this is pointless and foolish because there really is no comparison because my wife is not the same as those that I would or could compare her to (not that I would or could. I'm just illustrating a point here!). With that in the forefront of my mind, I can never expect her to act or think more like someone else and she could not expect that of me as we are in our own lanes, and imitation of anyone or anything else takes us out of the lane we should be front runners in. I have learned to find my lane and run like Forrest Gump.

Make New Mistakes

Mistakes teach you valuable life lessons and help you discover who you truly are as a man. I used to fear to take that next step and to some extent still do in certain areas of life. I saw mistakes as proof of failure rather than looking at it as the evidence of an attempt. I had an unhealthy fear of making a mistake because I would then doubt my abilities and it would eventually highlight my inability to accomplish a task

In reality, I wish I made more mistakes when I was younger as now I see that not taking many risks in my younger more pliable years was probably the biggest mistake of all! The Wright brothers invented the first successful aeroplane but I can bet my house that they fell on their face or even came near to death before that plane eventually took flight. I've spent a lot of time playing it safe because making mistakes means that you have to remove the safety net. It's sink or swim. Soar or fall flat on your face. If you dare to remove the safety net it can sometimes increase our awareness for every little move we make and then helps to build a level of self-confidence in your abilities as you strive to avoid making the same mistake.

I watched a documentary on the self-made billionaire, founder of Spanx, Sara Blakely and she shared that when she was young her father would ask everyone around the dinner table "What did you fail at today?" I think this question is so powerful because it embraces the fact that it's ok to fail because it is proof that you are trying something that is out of your comfort zone. This process of making new mistakes is an evolving process that is forever shaping, moulding and carving out who we are. So I advocate making new mistakes as they play a massive part of our personal growth.

Protect and Serve

Although physical protection is a part of this, it is much bigger than just the physical. I have learned that it is a man's duty to protect what is right and honourable. It is important to stand up and be heard speaking out about what is wrong. Most of all, I've learned that it is important for these values to start within my home first. I have learned this the hard way as there was a point in my life that I felt helpless as I was made redundant from my job and did not know where a meal was coming from. This was an extremely low and hard part of my life but it has taught me some valuable lessons and I now value more than ever that the provision provides protection for my family. When I do not make provisions for my family, a little bit of that protection is stripped back.

I will strive to further protect the ones I love by passing down the tools that I found late in life to make sure that no one has to make the same mistakes that I had previously made. I live to serve my family, not only because I love them but because it was me who invited my wife to come aboard my "ship" to be my co-captain as we ride the waves of life and raise a family. (I know what you're thinking... "he can't make up his mind if he wants to reference ships or cars" - well it's all transportation so get over it!)

Where was I? Ah! The point I'm trying to make is that I now understand that my protection must be for here for the present but must also extend to the future. My presence, provision and physical strength provide protection and service in the present however my advice, values, and teachings will serve and protect my children and hopefully their children in the absence of my presence long after I'm gone.

Vision over Method

I have grown up wanting to do and be better than my dad. This was not birthed out of competitiveness; rather, I have always seen it as a father’s duty and a son’s responsibility to build on top of the shoulders of his father. You can't build on top of someone if your goal is to just match their achievements or be half the man that they were.

I shared with my father at a young age that I want to achieve greater than his highest pinnacle. It was this desire in me that made me copy some of his characteristics and mimic patterns of speech and actions; however, not everything that brought him success as a husband, father and business owner was done in a way that is transferable to this day and age. In fact, most methods he used in the 80's and 90's are almost completely extinct or not relevant in this day and age. It has taken a while but now I understand to look at the purpose; the WHY behind the methods he used, rather than simply copying my father’s actions like for like.

Coming from a black cultured family, I grew up where "physical encouragement" was a well-used method of disciplining an unruly child, however, the purpose of that action was not simply to inflict pain but it was to deter a child from repeating bad behaviour.

Times have change and believe it or not, parents actually have more leverage now when teaching discipline to their children. Because I understand the reason why I was disciplined, it makes it easier to apply different methods to gain the same outcome.

There are so many other examples I could share but I think you get the point and can make your own connections to other areas in life where this "holding stubbornly to the vision - loosely to the method" would apply.

Conclusion

Those were a select few out of the many things I've learned over the last 30 years of my life that have helped shaped and define who I am as a man. I have learned so much from so many great men (my father being my MVP in the lineup!) and this road of discovery is a journey that I hope never ends.

I want to take this time to thank everyone who has subscribed to the Men and Marriage site, liked our facebook page, shared any of our content (either on social networks and word of mouth) or have taken part in our Fatherhood documentary. I look forward to continuing to share my journey and some of my experiences, along with a few others, in order to help someone else navigate through some of the life's obstacles on their journey.

What top 3 lessons have you learned that you wish a younger you knew ten years ago? Leave a comment below.

Special thanks to:

Dad, Clint Jordan - You are hands down THE BEST dad and role model in the world. Anything that anyone else added to my life was reinforcing characteristics that you had already shown me! Thank you for everything you have done and continue to do in my life.

The friendly Giant - Grandad didn't wait for us to come to him. He always made his presence known and it was always welcomed. He also didn't take crap from anyone! #Legend

Clinton Jordan, big bro + mentor - Thank you for taking me under your wing and for being a much-needed friend.

Léon Jordan, big bro + mentor - Thank you for teaching me how to stand up for myself and to be a worthy fighter in life. You never give up no matter how many time you get knocked back. #Courage

James McKinley, mentor - You always pushed me and treated me as if I was your biological brother! You showed that tough love and I appreciated that!

Winston Dubidad, mentor - You won't remember but, you taught me about being open and sharing solutions to problems in a very relaxed style. How you interact with you mum, sister, wife and 3 beautiful girls reinforced what it looks like to treat a lady with the care and respect she deserves.

Anthony Williams, mentor - You helped me to put perspective on some of the transition periods of my life and role modelled true leadership.

Mike Miller, Friend - You are my lifetime brother from another mother! You taught me a great lesson in selflessness. Your actions many years back always encourage me to put others first even when there is nothing in it for me!

Mike Bugembe, Friend - You either know (and just seriously play it down) or you honestly have no idea of how much of a super cool dude you are. Hanging out with you and your family continues to teach me many lessons in humility. You are hands down the most humble guy I've met. Thanks for setting the bar bro!

Jerry Brown, Friend - You've always been one of the best drummers I've ever known. My interest in the craft led me to pay attention to you as a youngster. Your example has helped me to understand the a man must put the time and practices into his craft to become a true contender. This lesson was way bigger than just drums for me. You're Such fun, down to earth guy to be around!

Simon Lee, Friend - You're a true man of few words, however, your actions are a testament to your values! Nothing but love for you and your family bro.

Denzil Greaves, Friend - You're such a dude and you always remind me the importance of being balanced in responsibility but also having the freedom to be a bit silly every now and then! Life should be fun!

Leondre Douglas, Cousin - You taught me that age has nothing to do with it! Your ambition makes me proud to be your cousin and inspires me to just get on with it!

Andrew Cherrie, Friend - Your infectious attitude to life is awesome to be around. You take huge steps of faith and that's inspiring to watch and to be a part of!

Julian Brown, Friend - You display so much integrity and it's just as well because I copied a lot of what you did as a kid! I value the time you spent with me and my family as I was growing up.

Garth Lawrence, Friend + mentor - Till this very day you still inspire me to be even more dedicated to my own self-development and taking care of my own family. You put your faith and your family above all and that has been a great source of inspiration to witness.

James Thompson, Cousin – Sometimes we can take our families for granted but you go out of your way to make family a number one priority! So glad to have you as my big cuz!

Daniel Holder, Friend - From hanging out with you in our teens to seeing the man you have become is a great display how finding your lane can really pay off!

Kevin German, Friend - I've never known of a man who is more willing to serve others without any personal gain! I love that brother!

Julian Folscher, Friend - My warrior brother! Your commitment to your wife and your dedication to your kids inspires me every time I see you guys!

Noel Robinson, Mentor - You always made me feel apart of the family when I use to hang out at your home with Kai with his plethora of PlayStation games!

Bazil Mead, Mentor - I spent a large bulk of my childhood spending time with you and your family and I learnt a lot about teamwork in those early years of my life. Thank you, Uncle B!

Bryan Van Slyke, Friend & Mentor - Sharing the same passion in the ministry of family, marriage and men. You extend your selfless support when many wouldn't! A true Gent!

Dwayne Tryumf, Friend - I learnt a lot about not reducing yourself to fit in with other. You displayed an abundance of passion even when those around you do not. You can't help but pay attention to someone who does something with passion!

Jon Escott, Mentor - I remember you praying for me in the middle of the college entrance and I left that day feeling blown away because you showed me the importance of sharing your faith anywhere you go.

Simeon Predie, Friend - We learnt a lot from each other about what not to do but we got there in the end! Proud of who you have become! #Brothers

Alec Whitfield, Friend - My longest serving friend of around 26 years! Thanks for sticking around even though I was horrible to you when we were kids! You're my brother! #TrueFriendship

YOUR THOUGHTS

If you could go back ten years in time what No.1 lesson would you teach a younger you? Share your thoughts in the comments box below and let's talk!